I really want to read the Dune series. A good mate of mine is currently reading it and from what I've heard it sounds very interesting. Definitely something I would be interested in reading. I try to keep my priorities in order most days. If something changes and it's not something vital I usually just note that it's changed and beyond that not pay any further unnecessary attention to it if I don't have to. It's certainly an interesting proposition, to experiment with change and how it effects us. I have to keep it in mind.

I think I may have 'experimented with change' in the past, but if I did I certainly didn't do it thinking of it like that. There were a lot of things I did, and I guess you could say I was experimenting with change for a lot of them, but the key factor here was that I didn't do those things to intentionally 'experiment with change' itself, rather then more experiment with the issue/point in question. But I have definitely left my comfort zone more than sanely possible. I've tried to make the very things I was uncomfortable with part of my comfort zone. For the large part I've succeeded, and I'm very glad to have done so then because I don't fancy going back and attempting it again in the future for a very long time.

I think laziness and stagnancy has it's place, although the latter has a significantly smaller one. Part of keeping with an equilibrium, I think. Everything in moderation, keeping a balance.

And keeping an open mind is wise, to say the least. I believe so anyway. "expecting the unexpected." - and definitely that too.

I have to admit, that I do extremely enjoy messing with people's heads. Anyone who knows me can vouch for me. What I mean, is that I'm fascinated with human psychology and people's reactions to things. For that reason, I love random things and being random, because I also observing how others react to those unexpected situations. Sometimes I'm really random myself, and in a turn for the unexpected I'll be exceedingly normal. So just when someone is expecting the weird, disturbing me they get the total opposite. I like seeing those reactions. Kinda like adaptability, in a way. It almost sounds cruel to say that I like manipulating people to watch how they react, but I only ever do it from a curious POV. The thought of manipulating or dominating others to my own self-benefit makes me sick. I despise selfishness in forms like that. I hate when people dominate others and just use and abuse them to their own devices. It's a total respect for another person's dignity in the way that someone treats another as something lower than themselves. Another thing I hate, when people think they are better than others - in all egotistical ways. Everyones equal, in my view. To abuse others because you think you're better than everyone else is purely despicable.

You said you used to be a bit of an elitist. To confess, I am too in some ways. I never try to think myself up, and there is always the chance that I could be wrong. But sometimes when I come across such...inability to comprehend the simplest things...the frustration sort of lets me down in that respect. But I never try to treat anyone as crap just because I think they're dumb or something like that. Anyway, moving on from my rant.

From my experiences also, depression does blind rationality, as well as several other things. Maybe blindness isn't the most accurate word to use...because I have thought of rational things whilst in an extremely fucked up emotional state....but the problem was that they were never prominent thoughts. I thought, I should probably do this... but every emotion was forcefully leading me towards what my amygdala dictated. In short, if what you feel becomes so overwhelming powerfully you buckle under the weight and end up being motivated towards getting rid of those feelings instead of what seems rational. That's a sad truth, I've noticed. But it's only in my experience.

I remember once I came back home from school, and just stood in the hallway in front of my room. I didn't know what to do. I went to the toilet, locked the door and just sat down on the lid for a bit of privacy. Then I just sat and stared at the wall opposite, staring back at me and thought nothing. Absolutely nothing. I soon became scared... my mind usually races with thoughts but for once it was truly empty. Devoid of everything. It was then I knew that something was wrong and that something was going to happen. Turns out my gut feeling was correct, and the next year and a bit was a total fucking hell. But since then, every time I feel sort of depressed I know what it is because I've been there before, so from experience my mind can state that there is a chance that those feelings are probably insignificant when it comes to reality. But also a lot of that insignificance is low self-esteem and low self-worth.

Control is a bitch for me. I don't try to control everything, but I can confidently say that if anything, I would like to be in control of myself, at the very least. To be controlled by something else sound very terrifying to me. Free is extremely important to me. Being in control of yourself to a reasonable degree is part of that. I do hope that the OCD is manageable, for you. I wouldn't want to be in that position, but then again I don't think any of us have ever had that choice.

"I guess the superstitions in themselves are not real, but the assumptions in my own mind are because they cause me grief." - All I'm going to say for that, is well said. Very wise, too.

yeah, sleep deprivation is proving to be quite a bitch right now. I guess I've gotten used to it to a large degree but... I crashed recently and not even my sister shaking me violently woke me up. I was basically comatose. Eventually she left me to it and I stayed home from school, something I usually don't do. My attendance record was always near perfect. I only ever took one sick day a year, and that was only if my mother let me have a day off, seeing as I never did. I also had Polish School on saturdays, so I had a 6 day school week every year until this year.
Anyway moving on...

When it comes to "Is a solution an act of living rather than a destination?", I'm tempted to say if anything, it's a bit of both, but I'm still leaning towards it being a destination. Things like freedom, democracy, peace and happiness, however, are different. I believe those things are states we strive for, not states we can reside in. It's important acknowledging that fact, I reckon. Otherwise one will be forever searching for something like true happiness that doesn't, and never will, exist. It can be a sad wasted life that... another reason why awareness is so important, I guess.

Man, I should wrap this up...hehe.

With melancholy, I don't always embody it but the majority of times in my life I have pretty much defined the meaning of it, in my view. I say that because it is the perfect word to describe a state that is so familiar to me that it is essentially a part of my personality and who I am. I love finding the perfect word to describe something, as doing so is a skill I've no luck at. However, when I do find the perfect word to describe what I am trying to convey or whatever, I even get all excited and happy because of it.

I've experienced psychosis before. It was scary in a way, but more so that I enjoyed it so much, and that I wasn't aware of what was actually happening. It felt like enlightenment the first time...some kind of blissful ignorance. But I guess being totally detached from reality will always have it's ups...and then downs, as I later realized... But anyway, enough of that. I hope I haven't disappointed you with the reply. Once again, I'm really sorry it was late, I tried to make up for that with content, but only you can be the judge of that.

As always, I hope you are well.
Your's truly, jasiu. (hehe...)

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_{All was good and nothing hurt.}